Having a loved one who is struggling with their mental health can be incredibly challenging.
Knowing how to be there for your loved one and support them is key to maintaining a strong relationship whilst they get the help they need.
However, with mental health still being viewed as taboo in society and nearly 64% of UK adults bottling up their feelings, [1] it can be difficult to know how to support a loved one with a mental health condition.
Today, you can find out what NOT to do and say to a loved one, and avoid the pitfalls that many people often come across when they are simply trying to help.
See what to do and say instead, and how you can best go about talking about mental health and helping your loved one.
When someone we love is going through something, it is common for us to want to know what’s going on so that we can help as best we can.
However, sometimes people might not want to open up completely about a topic such as their mental health, even with someone they are close to.
It is important to make sure that they know that you are there for them, that you will offer non-judgemental, confidential support and that they can share as much as they want with you.
They might feel more comfortable sharing their experiences and thoughts with a mental health professional such as a counsellor, therapist or doctor, in which case you can help them to get this support.
What is key to remember, however, is that as long as they are getting the professional and personal support they need, it is not vital for them to tell you everything.
No matter how close of a relationship you have, they can keep some things private, especially when it comes to their personal thoughts and feelings.
However, you can still let them know that you are there if they need you.
One reason that someone might be reluctant to share their thoughts and feelings is due to negative reactions from loved ones.
This can be difficult, particularly in situations where the person might have used harmful coping mechanisms due to their mental health issues, or have engaged in risky behaviours as a symptom of their mental disorder (e.g. substance abuse or self-harm).
However, reacting negatively is not going to help your friend or family member and is only likely to make them less likely to open up, less likely to seek help and more likely to hide their behaviours from you.
Even if you are angry, frustrated or disappointed in your loved one, particularly if they have put themselves and/or others at risk, try to focus on the positive steps they are taking by expressing their feelings and see how you can make sure they get the help that they need in order to change their behaviour.
It can be very easy for us to assume we know what someone is going through or why they feel a certain way, and as human beings making these assumptions can come all too naturally to us.
However, it is important to let your loved one speak freely and to ask them open questions.
Open questions are questions which allow the person to expand on their answer, as opposed to closed questions which can simply receive a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.
For example, rather than asking a question like ‘do you feel depressed right now?’ you could ask ‘how are you feeling at the moment?’
Sometimes you will want to ask closed questions for clarification or to decide the best course of action to take – for example, in establishing whether it is a mental health crisis situation or not (which you can find out more about below).
In this case, asking ‘are you feeling suicidal right now’ would be a question you need to ask to establish whether they are currently a risk to themselves.
However, following this, asking open questions such as when they feel this way, how often and what thoughts they are having can encourage them to open up and provide more insight into their current mental state.
Unless you are a mental health professional who is not personally connected to the person, it can be detrimental to try and diagnose someone, even if you think you have an idea of what mental health condition they might have.
Several mental health conditions can cross over in terms of symptoms, and psychological diagnostic criteria exist to try and determine which mental health disorders or disorders a person might have.
Although there can be benefits to making an informed suggestion about diagnosis (such as it being a potential route to formal diagnosis and the potential to find appropriate support) there are also a number of risks. [2]
Some of these risks can include a false-positive diagnosis, inappropriate treatment, undue stress and anxiety and a delay in correct diagnosis.
If you do have extensive mental health knowledge or have personal experience of what they are describing, you can of course make (safe) suggestions that might help them and be there for them in a way that you would like if you were going through the same situation.
If you help your loved one get support for their mental health issues, then you can discuss on their behalf or discuss with them what disorder you think they might have.
However, be careful not to influence them or the mental health professional, and not to dismiss symptoms which do not match the disorder.
Overall, it is best to focus on their symptoms, supporting them and acknowledging their experience rather than attempting a diagnosis.
If your loved one opens up to you about how they are feeling, it’s important not to write those feelings off as something silly or petty.
Even if they are going through a challenge mentally that you do not relate to, or if they talk about things that you don’t think are very serious, they are clearly important to your loved one.
It can be even more difficult when someone with a mental health condition experiences thoughts and feelings which are not in line with reality.
For example, they could be feeling depressive or suicidal thoughts such as ‘the world would be better off without me’, or experiencing psychotic delusions such as ‘I know that people are out to get me’.
For family members and friends, it can be difficult not to brush these thoughts off when they are not based in reality, but the fact that your loved one has a mental health condition is why it is not easy to avoid them.
They really feel these emotions and have these thoughts, which are part of their condition, and you need to take them seriously.
Instead of brushing them off as not important or not real, try to support them when they open up to you and sympathise with how difficult it must be to feel the way that they do.
Emphasise that you are there to help them and that, with the support of loved ones as well as mental health professionals, things can get better for them.
As difficult and heartbreaking as it may be, no one can force someone to get help if they do not want it.
Unless you fear that your loved one might hurt themselves or someone else (in which case, you can contact the crisis teams below), you will need to leave the decision to get mental health support up to them.
For some mental health issues, there is support in place to help families to encourage a loved one to get professional help, such as in the case of substance abuse.
Interventions have long been used to persuade loved ones into treatment for substance use issues, and a modern form of intervention known as the CRAFT approach helps families to encourage their loved one to seek help for their addiction without straining the relationship.
It has proven to be very successful with studies showing that up to 60% of people involved in a CRAFT intervention go on to successfully enter treatment. [3]
This approach allows the loved one not to feel forced into treatment but also helps families to know that they are doing something to help their loved one.
In cases where a loved one isn’t at immediate risk, and isn’t struggling with a substance abuse issue, you can still encourage your loved one to get professional help.
Doing some research on different types of mental health treatments, discussing the various different treatment delivery options (e.g. online, over the phone or in person) and offering to help your loved one book appointments can make them more open to seeking professional help.
Doing research into mental health conditions and finding out more about what your friend or family member might be going through can also really help in knowing when it is necessary to act on behalf of your loved one to get them help.
According to the NHS, the specifics of every mental health crisis will vary depending on who is experiencing it, however the signs can include: [4]
A mental health crisis can be a very scary and strange thing to experience both for the sufferer and those around them.
However, if your loved one experiences or shows signs of the above, you will need to encourage them to get help or get help for them.
Ringing a crisis hotline, local mental health hospital, their support worker (if they have one) or 999 is crucial if you suspect they are going through a mental health crisis.
Whilst you coordinate this, you should remain calm and stay with your loved one.
If you are unsure whether it is a mental health crisis or not, you can contact the non-emergency NHS number 111 or contact the person’s support worker if they have one.
Sometimes when a loved one is unwell, either mentally or physically, we can forget to take care of our own health and wellbeing.
Taking on too much and trying to ‘fix’ your friend or family member will ultimately take a toll on the both of you and your relationship.
Therefore, it’s always best to encourage your loved one to reach out for help (or reach out for them if they are in a mental health crisis) and seek support for yourself too if you need it.
You can even attend mental health treatment sessions with your loved one if you would like to be more involved in their treatment (and they also want this).
For example, family therapy is often used in the treatment of a variety of mental health conditions including [5]
The key is to make sure you are not trying to take on your loved ones’ condition yourself, as this can negatively affect you both, and that you are getting the support you need.
You can also attend private therapy for yourself, or seek help from a charity or peer support group.
For example, the mental health charity Mind has a list of support services for people caring for someone with a mental health condition. [6]
Mental health is still a difficult topic for many of us to discuss, even with those closest to us.
Therefore, when a mental health condition does appear to affect our loved ones, we don’t know where to begin.
However, by knowing what we should not do and by avoiding the common mistakes people make when trying to support their friend or family member, we can be better prepared to give them the help they need and get them on the road to mental wellness.
[3] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6416948/
[4] https://www.sussexpartnership.nhs.uk/your-mental-health/getting-help/what-mental-health-crisis
[5] https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-illness-and-addiction-index/family-therapy
Boris is our editor-in-chief at Rehab 4 Addiction. Boris is an addiction expert with more than 20 years in the field. His expertise covers a broad of topics relating to addiction, rehab and recovery. Boris is an addiction therapist and assists in the alcohol detox and rehab process. Boris has been featured on a variety of websites, including the BBC, Verywell Mind and Healthline. You can connect with Boris online at LinkedIn or X.com.
