It’s difficult to know how to act when someone close to you is battling addiction.
There’s no doubt that we all mess up at times, but we should still be striving to support the individual, rather than enabling them.
Supporting someone with addiction means being there for them without condoning their addictive behaviours.
It is a difficult line to walk, as some people believe that simply having someone in your life is a sign that you approve of their actions.
However, the most common view in the addiction world is that support without enabling is achievable.
Generally, we describe enabling as anything that reinforces an addiction – whether it’s intended to or not
Often, the friends and family of someone with addiction end up enabling unhealthy behaviours in order to cope with the pain of watching their loved one suffer.
A key difference between supporting and enabling is boundaries. [1]
While a supportive person will show kindness to someone with addiction, they have firm boundaries that reflect their desire for their loved one to get sober.
There are many similarities between enabling and supporting.
We have to analyse our ways of showing support to check that they are not crossing over into enabling behaviours.
Common examples of enabling addiction are:
It is natural to want to support your loved ones when they’re struggling financially – especially if it’s your adult child or your parent.
That being said, providing financial support is a classic example of enabling.
The money that you offer someone may come from a place of kindness, but it will be spent on drugs or alcohol.
As a result, you are allowing the addiction to thrive.
If your toddler wanted to run into the road, and you knew they’d be distraught if they couldn’t, would you let them? The obvious answer is no.
Apply the same thinking to supporting someone through their addiction.
You need to set healthy boundaries in order to spare yourself and your loved one unnecessary pain.
Some people decide to only see their loved one when others are present, whereas some will cut them off entirely, and others will see them regularly but with other boundaries in place e.g., not meeting in a place where alcohol is accessible.
When someone with addiction knows their problems will be handled by you, it is much easier for them to continue to engage in addictive behaviours.
Their denial may also get worse, as they don’t see the full impact of their addiction if you are covering it up for them.
Problems you can stop solving include:
Acknowledging the various layers of addiction is overwhelming.
We often end up ignoring some behaviours in order to feel at peace. However, just because you ignore the issue doesn’t mean it’s not there.
When you refuse to look addiction in the eye, it becomes even more powerful.
It also does a disservice to your loved one, who is encouraged to become secretive about their issues.
Ignoring addiction is not the same as actively choosing to distance yourself from it. If you need to cut someone off, you are not ignoring the problem – you’re simply demonstrating that you don’t want the problem to be a part of your life.
It may sound odd that neglecting yourself would be an enabling act, as it appears to have nothing to do with the person with addiction.
However, if you look closely, there is a very strong link.
Neglecting yourself usually means you’re always putting someone else’s needs before yours.
The person with addiction dodges the consequences of substance misuse as you are meeting all of their needs.
The result is that you are burnt out and the person with addiction is far from sobriety.
There is always a reason someone is struggling with a drug or alcohol problem.
Addiction is a serious illness that people do not choose. So, why shouldn’t we make excuses for people?
Excuses make matters worse. We could sit and list someone’s issues all day, but it wouldn’t encourage them to get sober
In fact, it may push them to keep using drugs, as they know that their issues will make it difficult to recover.
You can acknowledge the possible causes of addiction without excusing them.
For example, if your father is battling cocaine addiction, you can have empathy for the fact that he has childhood trauma, relationship issues and is diagnosed with depression (half of adults with addiction also have a co-occurring psychiatric illness).
Yet, you can also accept that he is capable of getting sober, just like everyone else.
There are many reasons for enabling, and it isn’t always obvious why some people lean more towards enabling than others.
We know that some common causes of enabling are:
Women are commonly associated with enabling – perhaps because some research points [2] to women experiencing higher levels of empathy than men.
Still, more research needs to be done on the experience of men who are close to women with addiction. It would be naïve to assume that only women struggle with addiction-related enabling.
Enabling addiction has many negative consequences on everyone involved.
The result is different for everyone, but there is no denying that enabling contributes to the deadliness of addiction.
That said, you are never solely responsible for another person’s relapse.
Each time they reach for drugs or alcohol, they choose to turn away from sobriety (although various factors make it difficult to stay sober).
It is true that healthy, supportive families make it easier for people to break free from addiction. This is something we encourage all families to aim for.
However, if you’ve only just realised that you’ve been enabling, there are two things you must know.
As much as enabling can make addiction worse, it isn’t the defining factor of whether someone will recover or relapse.
Someone who enables their loved one is not causing their addiction, and someone who stops enabling will not necessarily watch their loved one get sober.
Enabling is simply one of many unhealthy behaviours that can encourage addiction – it is not the root cause.
For anyone who knows someone currently dealing with addiction, you can stop enabling at any point.
There may be backlash, but it will be worth it if it increases the chances of your loved one getting sober.
The responsibility of recovery was never yours to hold.
Gently pass it back to your loved one by making an effort to stop making excuses, stop solving every problem, and stop giving money to them.
If you come up against family members who disapprove of your new behaviour, remember that enabling is proven to be harmful.
Other people’s views do not change the fact that you are making a good decision.
What’s more, it is very likely that critical people are also struggling with enabling, and they are in denial about the damage they are unintentionally inflicting.
You don’t have to hide your new approach from the person with addiction.
Be open about the fact you’ve realised the harms of enabling and you want to help your loved one in a healthier way.
We can’t promise it will be well-received – it often isn’t. If your friend or family member ever recovers from addiction, however, they will thank you for making the kindest decision, rather than the easiest.
Some people fear confronting issues as they would rather live without conflict.
When you point out addictive behaviours, there may be conflict, but there will be no enabling.
This is much healthier.
The uncomfortable situations you have to manage at the moment are nothing compared to the result of long-term enabling.
Plus, acknowledging issues as they arise means you can take the time to process them, rather than repressing your feelings.
Enabling is often a deep-rooted behaviour that stems from other trauma.
t isn’t something most people can recover from without putting in a huge amount of effort.
A therapist can help you to explore enabling behaviour from a psychiatric point of view.
You will be able to reflect on why you are an enabler and how you can become someone with firm boundaries.
When you are in regular therapy, you have the benefit of being able to process current issues in your life. You can confide in your therapist about how you are coping with your new boundaries, how your loved one is reacting, and what your next steps should be.
On the same note, we strongly recommend discussing professional support with your loved one. You can only do so much to help them, and going to rehab or getting outpatient treatment could be the push they need to recover from addiction.
Overall, interventions work very well for most people.
It’s definitely something to consider for your loved one if other options have failed.
However, you shouldn’t feel pressured to stage an intervention if it doesn’t seem appropriate.
Interventions are not one-size-fits-all.
They are not always necessary, and when they are, the type of intervention that should be used varies depending on the specific circumstances.
Unfortunately, many people who recover from enabling behaviours become hyper-aware of the fact that other people are continuing to enable.
This is difficult to deal with once you understand the seriousness of enabling.
Unfortunately, you can’t stop this from happening, as you can’t control how others respond to the situation.
What you can do is discuss the negatives of enabling, share your experience, and hope that others eventually see the damage they are doing.
Being involved with someone with a drug or alcohol problem is a decision you make, but your children have not chosen this.
Put your children’s safety first in all matters.
You may need to cut off the person with addiction in order to remove their negative influence completely.
It’s also a good idea to talk to your children about why you have made this decision, otherwise they may jump to damaging conclusions about addiction.
Some people would argue showing support sends the wrong message.
We would say that showing support can increase the likelihood that the person will get sober – and therefore it’s a positive thing.
As long as you make it clear that you are for sobriety and against addiction, there is nothing wrong with staying in your loved one’s life and demonstrating care for them.
Most modern interventions even acknowledge this, favouring heartfelt letters over harsh criticism and judgement.
Promoting sobriety is one of the best ways to take a stance against enabling.
It’s best to do this when you know all about the successful treatment providers in your area.
Rehab 4 Addiction is here to introduce you to a wide range of treatment options, as well as advising you against treatment that comes with a high relapse rate.
We can also counsel you on how to deal with someone else’s addiction from a professional yet personable point of view.
With our help, you can stop enabling and start supporting.
All enquiries can be submitted online or discussed over the phone on 0800 140 4690. International callers can dial +44 345 222 3508.
[1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6419765/
Boris is our editor-in-chief at Rehab 4 Addiction. Boris is an addiction expert with more than 20 years in the field. His expertise covers a broad of topics relating to addiction, rehab and recovery. Boris is an addiction therapist and assists in the alcohol detox and rehab process. Boris has been featured on a variety of websites, including the BBC, Verywell Mind and Healthline. You can connect with Boris online at LinkedIn or X.com.
