American author Colleen Hoover once said that “no matter how much you love someone- the capacity of that love is meaningless if it outweighs your capacity to forgive”.
The term forgiveness [1] has been around since the biblical age, and while we all know what it means, we might not necessarily know how to achieve it.
Moreover, the prospect of forgiving someone who has deeply wronged or hurt us during active addiction can be overwhelming.
They might have broken your trust, stolen from you, or exhibited other bad behaviours such as unreliability and unnecessary confrontation.
All of this creates a suboptimal environment for forgiveness, but it is possible to forgive a loved one with a substance use disorder and learn to heal from the pain they caused.
By letting go of grievances and the feelings of anger you’ve been harbouring, life will become more fulfilling for both yourself and the person recovering from Substance Use Disorder.
However, before taking the first baby steps towards healthy recovery, it’s important to note what forgiveness is not, as well as what it is.
To forgive a loved one with substance use issues [2] doesn’t mean you excuse or condone their behaviours and the distressing emotions they caused. It also doesn’t mean you simply forget the actions they committed while in the thrall of substance abuse.
To forgive in a way that builds a healthier relationship, you should strive to recognise the pain that you suffered without letting the hurt define the bond you have with a loved one.
This act of letting go without forgetting is similar to the grief process experienced by a bereaved person.
So, here are some expert tips to help you forgive and reconcile with a loved one who is in addiction recovery. We can’t promise that the healing journey will be easy, but it’ll certainly be worthwhile.
It’s an unfortunate truth that despite addiction being recognised as a disease, it isn’t treated with the same level of sympathy as other health conditions.
While many people find it easy to separate someone from symptoms of diabetes, for example, addiction sufferers are often judged for how their illness causes them to behave.
With this in mind, the first forgiveness step might be to learn about the disease model of addiction [3] and how it operates similarly to a mental health disorder.
If you have no direct experience with substance abuse, it’s difficult to process your loved one’s actions and approach them from a place of empathy and sympathy, let alone forgiveness.
Commonly, loved ones of an addicted individual perceive the actions made during active addiction as a choice and a reflection of moral character.
In reality, people with Substance Use Disorder don’t choose to have this condition. They’re compelled to seek out and take drugs or alcohol due to changes in the brain.
When someone abuses drugs or alcohol, it triggers their brain’s dopamine response: a chemical messenger linked to feelings of pleasure.
Over time, the brain will associate the substance with reward, and change its structure accordingly. Because of these changes in the brain, addicted individuals are unable to derive pleasure from anything but a substance.
Everything that once brought them joy, such as spending time with loved ones, socialising with friends, and partaking in hobbies, is replaced by intense cravings for drugs or alcohol.
Adaptations in the brain mean that they’ll spend all their time looking for, recovering from, or taking substances despite collateral damage.
While neurological changes are an important part of how addiction forms [4], there are many more reasons why someone could turn to drugs and alcohol.
These are also more complex than you might imagine, coming down to a mix of genetic, environmental, and psychological factors. Your loved one might also have a co-occurring mental illness that has contributed to their addiction, such as depression or anxiety.
Once the role of free will is taken out of the equation, it’s much easier to understand why someone with addiction behaved in certain ways. From here, it’ll be easier to start the process of forgiveness and let go of anger.
Once you’ve learnt more about addictive behaviours [5] and the disease model of SUD, you can start to understand your loved one’s unique experience. The process of forgiveness will benefit hugely from the ability to communicate with your loved one, and a big part of this is being a good listener.
When your loved one starts describing their experience of addiction and what led them down this path, there are various ways that you can become a better listener and create a comfortable environment. The first is relatively obvious: listen more than you talk or contribute.
Listening to a loved one describe a painful time in their lives can bring a lot of difficult emotions to the fore, and it can be difficult not to rebuke what they say or add to your own experience.
However, taking a back step and listening more than you talk, will optimise the healing process for both of you.
Many experts encourage people to view listening as a form of meditation and to clear their minds of everything else so that can focus on what the other person is saying.
By giving your loved one your full attention, it’ll be easier to reflect on what they’re saying and put yourself in their shoes, even just for a moment.
Reflective listening during these difficult conversations will also allow you to suspend judgement and imagine how they were feeling during active addiction.
Because Substance Use Disorder [6] is a debilitating, distressing illness, you’ll often find that their experience was worse than you imagined. It might not be easy to hear, but it’ll certainly help you in the process of forgiveness.
As a species, we generally like to apologise for the smallest inconveniences (such as walking into someone who was actually in your way), but we also emphasize apologising for the bigger things.
Oftentimes, people see an apology as a precursor to healing after someone has hurt them, and will struggle to take the crucial steps towards forgiveness [7] without this verbal expression.
In essence, if you’re waiting for a loved one to apologise for their wrongdoings before forgiving them for the hurt they caused, you’re hindering your own progression and ability to heal.
It’s likely that if you’re waiting for this admission of guilt, you’re continuing to hold on to the anger of the past: and this isn’t good for anyone.
It’s also likely that your loved one already feels guilty for the pain they caused you and others close to them. As we’ve already touched upon, addiction causes personality changes and leads people to act in ways that they wouldn’t normally.
Especially if your loved one has started the recovery process, they’re probably navigating ways to construct an apology or forgive themselves for the hurt and traumatic experiences they caused. 12-Step programmes [8] place particular emphasis on taking responsibility for one’s actions and apologising to loved ones.
Nonetheless, you shouldn’t wait for an apology to materialise, and instead, seek to address your own needs while letting go of the past.
Remember: forgiveness is first and foremost about setting yourself free from resentment, and shouldn’t be about seeking validation from your loved one.
Part of making sure you’re taking care of yourself during the forgiveness process is maintaining healthy boundaries with your loved one [9].
Rather than shutting this person out entirely, a boundary in this sense refers to a healthy dividing line between you and the person in recovery.
It can let them know that, while you’re in the process of forgiving them, you’re still hurt about everything that transpired while they were addicted.
However, it can be hard to set boundaries with someone with whom there were no such divisions in the past.
To start the process, it can help by making a list of behaviours that trouble or worry you: such as a loved one staying out late causing you to worry they might relapse [10].
In this case, especially if the loved one in recovery is living under your care, it can be useful to set a curfew.
While setting boundaries such as these can seem overly harsh or unloving, they help cultivate a more open line of communication that will help you forgive your family member.
Another example of effective boundary setting is making it clear that rebuilding a relationship with yourself is contingent on your loved one staying in treatment.
When communicating this boundary, you should try to remain calm and concise so that your loved one knows it isn’t an attempt at control, but rather an agreement that benefits you both.
Your loved one may be more motivated to progress in recovery, and you can protect your mental health while learning to forgive.
If a loved one’s substance abuse has spanned many years, disappointment and pain may have been building up inside of you like a wall: and it’s unrealistic to dismantle this wall in one fell blow. Even if you’ve made the crucial first step of wanting to forgive [11] this doesn’t mean that you’ll wake up one day and suddenly be free of every inch of resentment.
So, it’s important to remember that forgiveness isn’t linear, and it’s normal to take one step forward and three steps back. You might feel that by forgiving, you’re setting yourself up to be hurt again in the future, or that you’re in the process of forgetting your loved one’s actions.
Similarly, you may start to let go of resentment towards your loved one in recovery but be hit with a new wave of anger for no apparent reason. All of these emotions are a perfectly natural part of actively working on forgiveness.
We use the term “work” here because the act of forgiving takes effort and involvement. Trying to untangle the web of difficult emotions can be overwhelming, which is why many people choose to contact a therapist [12].
No matter what you’re trying to work through in life, it can be far too easy to get stuck in your own head, which is why getting an exterior, non-judgmental opinion makes all the difference. When you’re working on forgiving a loved one in recovery, you don’t have to do so alone.
Reaching out to a therapist with experience in the field of addiction can help you navigate your feelings towards an addicted family member. These emotions aren’t always connected to the hurt someone’s addiction has caused you, either.
They can include shame or feelings of having failed a loved one during their addiction. You might also feel guilty for the polarizing emotions of anger vs love for the family member, spouse, or friend in recovery.
Because talking about your feelings is just as important as discussing a loved one’s addiction, seeking one-to-one therapy can be beneficial.
In fact, Forgiveness Therapy is a subtype of counselling used to help clients absolve themselves of resentment and move forward. There are many different models that therapists can use to help you, with two popular examples being the REACH Model and the Enright Intervention Model.
The Enright Model utilises four distinct phases to help people progress in the unique process of forgiveness. In the first phase, clients evaluate the psychological harm caused by their loved one’s addiction and with the help of their therapist, can recognise the anger they feel.
The second phase explores the decision to forgive, and a commitment to start this process will be made. In the third stage, clients are helped to develop empathy for their loved one through cognitive reframing, and in the last phase, are helped to find meaning in their emotional pain.
By contrast, the REACH model is a simple acronym describing the five steps of forgiveness and is often introduced during therapy.
By referring to REACH, clients can recall (R) the pain caused, begin developing empathy (E), frame forgiveness as an altruistic (A) gift they give to their loved one, and hold on (H) to their forgiveness.
It might also be a good idea to participate in Family Therapy [14] as a way of understanding what your loved one has been through and learning how to communicate healthily.
If your loved one is in treatment at a drug and alcohol rehab, you may be invited to family therapy sessions on-site at the clinic.
During family therapy sessions, participants have the chance to learn more about the addiction recovery process and start dismantling negative feelings towards one another.
During the forgiveness process, you’ll need to unravel often contradictory feelings of love, anger, hurt, sadness, and compassion. A family therapist can help you do this while opening up the floor to your loved one in recovery.
Here at Rehab 4 Addiction, we know how difficult it can be to forgive a loved one after dealing with the consequences of their addiction. While we guide those directly impacted by Substance Use Disorder, we also offer support to their families and friends.
Whether you need advice on how to reach a family therapist, information about addiction treatment, or simply someone to listen, our team are here to help with whatever you need.
For free advice, call our UK hotline on 0800 140 4690 [15]. Any information that you choose to share will be completely in confidence and under our confidentiality guarantee.
[1] Understanding Forgiveness and Addiction Theory, Research, and Clinical Application Understanding Forgiveness and Addiction – Google Books
[2] Understanding and Loving a Person with Alcohol Or Drug Addiction Understanding and Loving a Person with Alcohol Or Drug Addiction – Google Books
[3] The Brain Disease Model of Addiction https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/research-studies/addiction-research/brain-disease-model
[4] Drugs, Brains, and Behaviour: The Science of Addiction https://books.google.com.vn/books?id=n-OeI0fPx38C&printsec=frontcover&dq=substance+addiction&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjk_Ynan639AhWDsVYBHQm3AoM4ChDoAXoECAUQAg#v=onepage&q=substance%20addiction&f=false
[5] Ending Discrimination Against People with Mental and Substance Use Disorders, The Evidence for Stigma Change https://www.google.co.th/books/edition/Ending_Discrimination_Against_People_wit/j6PKDAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=0
[6] Rehab 4 Addiction: Addictions We Treat Addictions We Treat – Rehab 4 Addiction
[7] Forgiveness: The Greatest Gift You’ll Ever Give Yourself Forgiveness – Google Books
[8] Modern 12 Step Recovery: Alcoholics Anonymous for the 21st Century Modern 12 Step Recovery – Google Books
[9] Family Resilience and Recovery from Opioids and Other Addictions Family Resilience and Recovery from Opioids and Other Addictions – Google Books
[10] Avoiding Relapse: A Practical Guide to Red Flags, Triggers, and Prevention https://www.google.co.th/books/edition/Avoiding_Relapse/w-JazwEACAAJ?hl=en
[11] Forgiveness Therapy, An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope Forgiveness Therapy – Google Books
[12] Rehab 4 Addiction: Individual Therapy For Addiction Individual Therapy for Addiction – Rehab 4 Addiction
[13] Group Cognitive Therapy For Addictions Group Cognitive Therapy for Addictions – Google Books
[14] Rehab 4 Addiction: Family Therapy For Addiction Family Therapy for Addiction – Rehab 4 Addiction
[15] Rehab 4 Addiction: Contact Us https://www.rehab4addiction.co.uk/contact-us
Boris is our editor-in-chief at Rehab 4 Addiction. Boris is an addiction expert with more than 20 years in the field. His expertise covers a broad of topics relating to addiction, rehab and recovery. Boris is an addiction therapist and assists in the alcohol detox and rehab process. Boris has been featured on a variety of websites, including the BBC, Verywell Mind and Healthline. You can connect with Boris online at LinkedIn or X.com.
